Thursday, December 8, 2011

Honey, it's time

Twice have I carried a baby inside of me. Waited the long nine months to then labor and deliver a tiny life into this world. Plenty of time to google random pregnancy symptoms, collect paint chips, circle name after name in the books, imagine just who might come out and grow up right in front of me.
In my case, and in most, there was no alternative to having the baby. Lord willing, I was going to carry the baby to term and safely deliver. No attempt could be made (no, not even months prior) to reverse the life working inside me. This is an example of a situation in life that must be addressed one way; and that is having the baby. No getting out of it now. Not that I would want to. And you would think that with all that time to plan ahead while the baby grows, that I could become an expert in having babies. No- not without first having the baby. The closer I came to full term, the more I felt the reality of what was going to happen. Each contraction was convincing me of the inevitable. As the contractions moved closer together, I understood my time was near. I can't stop this process- I can't undo it.

Lately, this is how I am feeling about my attempts to "turn my life around" at home. I decided well beyond nine months ago that my goals were changing. At first my efforts were very small. "I'll see if I can find any good websites or blogs to inspire me.... I wonder if anyone else has ever felt this way." And boy, did I get sucked down the rabbit hole with that one! Just like any first-time mom looking up pregnancy info online, I was clicking my way through a thick forest of influences in the form of blogs and forums. Praise God there are women who believe as I do and yearn for a life of meaning and a family with purpose and hope and make themselves available in this way! But it can be overwhelming to wade through so much information. It has almost become a part-time job, this reading reading reading.... clicking this and that and the other thing. So many worthy and inspirational resources!

What good will they be to me if all I do is read them?

Every so often I will read something or hear a lesson at church and think to myself "that's it- I've had it. I am never doing x, y, z again." or "Tomorrow is going to be a new day. I'm just going to change everything from the moment I wake up!" I feel as though finally I'm going to have this "baby." I already know I'm not going to back out of my goal. But just as surely as I couldn't have announced that I would be having my real baby first thing the next morning, I haven't been able to get the "active labor" going on my goals. True enough, goal setting is the easy part (and so is making the baby, if we're being honest here.) The labor is the doing. The wonderful thing about having a baby is that once you really are in labor, you can pretty well count on holding a precious newborn in a few hard hours. The same goes for actively working on your goals. Results in some form are immediate. The satisfaction of knowing you saw something through.

My biggest encouragement these past few weeks is that my little wake up calls are coming more frequently. Those moments when I imagine waking up the next day and succeeding more than I fail are lasting a little bit longer each time.

"Honey- It's time!"